25. age 18 -university-

It was so hot in Senegal.

So Max asked one of our friends to cut his hair, and he looked hot after cutting his long hair. 

Everyone besides me on the trip lost a lot of weight due to the heat and some stomach issues. 

I didn’t get sick at all and had the same appetite (even more), so I gained weight! 

When we went back to school, Max got a lot of attention all the sudden. All the girls were talking about how hot he became! I pretended that I didn’t hear all the comments since I was scared that he would lose interest in me.

It was close to my graduation from the neverland school.

I really didn’t care about where I went to college, and I had the worst score in my SAT. I actually took the test a bit stoned, that’s how much I didn’t care. My parents were back in Japan and had no clue either. But I applied to a few schools that my buddies are going to and schools that will accept me not by the SAT scores, but because I am an international student. I got into one of the universities in Vermont.

I also wanted to stay close to Max as well. He was a year younger so had another year in high school. 

I had a nice summer with my buddies and it was the best. We went hiking, BBQ, swam in the cold river, went to the movies, just chill and it was the best.

When the school was about to start, Max and his mom drove me to the university and made my bed.

It was so sweet of her, and I loved her for doing that. When they left to go back home, I cried so much. Sad that they are gone, scared of losing him, and scared of my new life that I was not excited about. I had few days to start ahead for international students orientation, so the dorm was still empty.

I was used to the cozy dorms from high school and this one was a big building and the hallway looked like a hospital. I felt lonely.

The university was massive. It was a beautiful campus, but it was just so big. I experienced my first frat party, it was not that fun, but seeing the frat house was interesting. They did live in a big house like the movies. My roommate wanted to join one of the sororities too, so she explained it to me but had no interest in how that world worked. She was nice and we got along, definitely a good student. I was completely lost at that point. The only thing I was good at was taking a big hit from a bong, and drinking. I became friends with guys on the same floor who were stoners. I liked them, and hung out with them all the time but I can’t even remember their names anymore.

All my classes were economics and math. I went to the first lecture, and I was soooo not into it. I immediately switched all my classes to art related classes. Figure drawing classes, art history class, oil painting. Then I got summoned by my adviser who I didn’t know existed. She told me I enrolled in the business course (ahhh, now I get why all my classes were boring for me! But how did I not know that I was part of this course!?), so I have to take all the boring classes otherwise I will fail. I didn’t take it seriously and just kept taking art classes.

I made a girl friend, her name was Jen, sassy, hot and fun. We partied together a lot as well. I thought she was bitchy so I didn't like her in my first encounter, but we were on the same floor and ended up in the same room to party. I ended up really liking her. She was not bitchy, she just had more confidence that I was intimidated by her. I liked the way she was. I learned that I should never decide if I like the person or not only in my first encounter. 

Early on in our hanging out moments, we went to a lake and hotboxed her car. Then we were on the way to get ice cream, we were singing loudly to a radio music hanging our hands outside of the car like we own the world but something was off. Then the car was coming towards us and we realized that we were driving on the wrong side, and we managed to get off the road, but wow that was scary, and the adrenalin was so intense that once we knew that we were ok, we couldn’t stop laughing. It was a very movie moment, everything was slow and when she managed to turn, her long black hair was floating in the air and it was an epic image that I still have. 

I liked the idea of being a college student, but not knowing what my interest was and just letting the time pass by smoking made my mind swollen by a thick fog that I was not able to get out. 

24. age 18 -Senegal, soul cleansing, young and free-

I couldn't stop thinking about him and wanted to be with him constantly. I was over the top.

For our spring break, there was a trip to Senegal for 3 weeks and I signed up since I was super into African dance at that point and 10 of us went including Max. 

Going on a big trip with him made me super excited! Just sitting right next to him in the plane made me feel so happy and felt mature.

Senegal was interesting, we went to few places, but the one we went to a tribe was most fascinating. 

This tribe worshiped thundergod. We stayed at a hostel close to the village, but in the “hostel”, there was no running water nor electricity. It was my first time experiencing that besides camping.

When I first got there I was actually passed out for a good chunk of hours and felt delirious since I ate a ton of weed on the bus ride. Why did I eat it? Because we had tons of cheap shitty weed with us from a market that we went to, and it was so cheap that all of us bought it! On the way to the village, which was about 6 hours bus ride, there was a checkpoint. We freaked out to the word “check point”, so we started eating the bags of weed in the bus to get rid of it. We could’ve easily just thrown it away but it was too precious for us at that moment, and didn’t want to waste it, so our smart brain said we should eat them. At the checkpoint there were  guys in military clothes with big guns, pretty intimidating, but all they wanted to do was just say hi to the driver and they just smiled and waved at us. I don’t think that we can get high from eating weed, and I don’t think I was high but I just passed out until I got to the village.

The thundergod village was surreal.

When you enter the shrine, our soul has to be cleansed and we must be silent.

How do we cleanse our soul? It was a very interesting process. 

First they gave us a big shot of clear liquid in a coconut cup. The liquid was pure liquor, and it was made from palm wine. I did not like it, plus it was super hot outside and I felt dizzy from the heat and the big shot of liquor did not help.

Then we made a big circle and the people started to chant. One of the men brought a live chicken in the center and he slowly pressed the chicken’s heart while he sang. And he did it for about 10 minutes, until the chicken died. Interesting, never seen a chicken killed like that. I was able to handle that, but after they rubbed the dead chicken all over our body and face, that was freaky and felt super gross. Then a lovely goat came to our center and before I even had the time to process my dead chicken cleansing, they chopped off the goat's head and the blood just streamed out. I saw it and I passed out. I was never good with blood, and this was definitely too much. I was out for like 20 minutes, from the heat and the alcohol and crazy scenery.

When I woke up they were grilling the goat and once it was done, that was our meal. Now our soul was cleansed! The goat definitely needed seasoning and did not taste that great, but my mind was “yes my soul is cleansed” so I swallowed it! lol. Now I think about it, what a rare experience! 

Then the villagers threw us a party, and the welcome dance was a chicken dance. The dance was simple, just flab the arm like a chicken and walk back and forth. The live drumming made it all super fun. But this simple dance went until dawn, it was super long. 

Few days later  we went to the beach side. This was nice, had electricity and a small resort type. We were all cramped in one room with sandy beds on the floor, but it was a cute place and experiencing no electricity and water, this was luxury.

We hung out with the local kids who were hanging around the beach, and these kids knew how to party. When I say kids, it was a mix from 7 years olds to 18 years old. The 7 year old boy was crazy, he was snorting some drugs, and then just danced and also smoked in between. He acted like a boy here and there, but the way he smoked his cigarette was very mature. He was an amazing dancer though, but the whole thing was surreal and odd. It is so wrong in the western world, but there, you just kind of went with it since it is the way their life was happening.

They showed me some tricks on how to put out the cigarettes. They put out the cigarettes on their skin and didn’t leave them any marks. How is that possible? Few of my friends thought it was so cool so they tried it, and they squeaked and left them with a burn mark. 

Not having smartphones back then, we didn’t have the option to research online (like how can a person's skin can tolerate fire?)  , so everything that we experienced was about how we understood, not the information, not the logic, not the data, just how we saw it. I miss that, not knowing the truth or the facts and just remembering as it was and how it felt. 

These kids though, were seriously amazing dancers. If some dance production came to see them, they would immediately be successful.

One of the boys, who was 18 years old, we had a nice conversation. We talked about his dreams, that he wants to study and make money so he can support his family. I can’t remember the whole conversation but I was in awe of him. Same age as me, but very mature. He was very poor, but his eyes were sparkly. The only news we got about Africa was the sad image of hunger and poverty. These kids though, were poor but all happy at least in that moment. They knew how to have fun when they could and it was something that embedded it in me. It was beautiful. We hung out for the whole night by the beach until the sunrise and the waves started to twinkle in the sunshine. I had never seen a beautiful morning like that. Young and free, that was the perfect word for that moment.

23. age 17 -make out session -

Max and I hung out as usual.

I wanted to ask him what he meant, but I was too scared that it would lead to awkward conversation which I am not used to nor done that kind of conversation, so I pretended that I didn’t remember, I thought he wouldn’t remember much since we were both so fucked up.

We had another party after a few weeks. 

Of course I was getting high and drunk! Then, I had the bravery power from my alcohol that I had to ask Max why he asked me that question if I liked him. 

He was sitting on a couch and just drinking his beer. There was an empty seat next to him so I thought it was my chance.

I slapped his shoulder and said “whatssss upppp?”

Our eyes were bloodshot red and we started giggling for no reason.

I couldn’t stop giggling, maybe I was nervous.

I asked him, “ you asked me if I liked you more than a friend, why did you ask that?”

He had a long pause, and I had to make a body gesture that it was his turn to speak.

He said “Well I like you more than as a friend and I heard that you might like me that way too” .

I kind of knew after he asked me the question from the last party, but I completely blocked the idea of him liking me in that way, so it was a shock.

Also, I didn’t think he would even be interested in any girls at that point. 

I didn’t think I had feelings for him, but after the conversation of “liking more than a friend” I started to see him differently. Did I have feelings for him? It’s interesting that I was able to develop feelings just by looking at him from a different angle that I never thought about. I loved and adored him, but never thought about kissing him, until the conversation. I started to observe his lips more, how he hugged me, how it would be to kiss him, how it would feel to hold hands,etc. 

I said “I think I like you too”

We went out for a smoke, and I said “should we kiss and see?” so we kissed. First was a peck, and I kind of liked it so I kissed him back, and I had no idea what to do, but we started to make out. It was my first real make out. His lips were so soft and I just  really liked kissing him. Even though it probably tasted like cigarettes and alcohol, but it tasted sweet to me. We both got addicted to it and we did that for a long time. 

We didn’t disclose anything at the party but we slept in the same bed just making out and hugging. 

After that night, we started to sneak around. We didn’t tell the guys since I didn’t want things to be weird, I really avoided uncomfortableness. We used to use empty classrooms, music rooms, in the woods, in his car, wherever we got the chance we just made out like crazy. I loved it so much, I couldn’t get enough. 

Soon the guys figured it out and we told them and his family ( I used to spend a lot of time at his parents house) that we were seeing each other. And soon I was so infatuated or addicted with him, that I just wanted to spend every single moment with him. I felt out of control with my own feelings.

22. age 17 -high in high school -

The boys were also my teachers on how to party and being high in high school.

My first time I got super duper high, we hot boxed the car, and we got the munchies so we drove about 20 minutes to Wendy’s. The whole car ride, I was just looking at my buddie’s face and I couldn’t stop laughing (so rude lol). 

We got to Wendy's, the one that we’ve always gone to and I got lost. I was lost for about 10 minutes going around in circles looking for them, and I started to panic a bit. I couldn’t see them until they grabbed me and stopped me. They were sitting at the booth for the whole time and just kept watching me pass by! They were laughing hysterically and I was relieved. After my emotional roller coaster, from not being able to stop laughing to a mini panic of feeling lost, Wendy, my beautiful lady sure did make me feel better with burgers and Wendy's Frosty. I remember how the Frosty went through my throat and how it tasted, the best experience! It was my first time experiencing mindful drinking lol. 

They also taught me, if you drink too much, puke and be ready for the second wind! Stupid, but it was a good thing to learn. Who knows how many times I’ve done it and even as an adult it is a good skill to have! Well, I should know my limit by now but for some reason, I am incompetent at learning this subject.

One of the first party of my senior year was at our friend’s house, there were about 20 students, and we were getting pretty fucked up. My magic potion was tons of beer and weed, others were with some other substances as well.It was soooooo fun! Some were jamming (my favorite part of our parties), some were playing pool, some were playing video games, some were on the kitchen floor just chatting and munching, some were dancing, etc. Our parties were always free and did whatever you wanted to do, and it was always somewhat sweet. Usually no drama, and just fun with everyone.

Max sat next to me. We usually talked the stupidest things or stare something together and just comment on silly things, but this time he came to me with a serious look. Still he was pretty fucked, so it was funny.

He said “I need to ask you something.” 

I said “Yea, what's up?”

He was kind of laughing with a long pause.

He said “I heard that you like me.”

I said “Dahh, of course I do, you are my buddy, I love you.”

I gave him a big hug, and I was touchy touchy, being high does make me feel a bit more hippie feeling of peace and love.

He said, “More than a friend?”

Then I paused, “more than a friend” was the first time I ever heard and didn’t really understand, especially being under the influence, it was hard!

I said “What do you mean?”

And he just left, but that left me with confusion but also made me laugh.

The rest of the night, we both pretended that we didn’t have that conversation and got higher.

21. age 17 -caring and loving-

I made friends who I really enjoyed being with in my high school. Back in Japan, I realized I didn’t have real friends. They were my teammate, my classmate, and I actually never cared about them nor did they care about me either.

At my highschool, I cried so much for the first time because of my friends, from joy, fights, friends leaving from graduating, getting kicked out, talking about our emotions, what they are going through, etc. I cried because I cared about them. The first time I discovered caring. The only thing I cared about before was getting approved by others and being accepted, but in high school, I learned caring and love.

Junior year, my real golden time.

I was a tom boy and at that point I wasn’t as interested in boys, I did have a crush but I would get too nervous to talk to them so never got close with the crushes, sometimes yes but always as friends. Max, and 4 other boys that he grew up with were my buddies from Junior year. Can’t remember how we started hanging out but it was very natural. We would go into the woods in the dark and we did what you know what all high school did. I loved them so much, they were easy going guys, and the best part was that they treated me like one of them, even though I didn’t grow up with them nor had anything in common, but we did have something that we bonded deeply! They always made me  happy, made me feel at home, gave me comfort and they always had my back. I had some girl friends but it seemed to have too much drama that I just didn’t know how to handle. I enjoyed some kind of drama as a third person watching it, but when it got too complicated and if I was about to get involved, I was good at running away.

The summer before our senior year, I was hanging out with one of the boys and we were talking about Max, and I said casually that “he is cute”, but what I meant was more in an endearing way. He was adorable, a bit tall, a bit meaty, gave the best hugs, long greasy hair (he didn’t shower much lol), nice pink lips, nerdy, he had a big smile and when he came up with things he had the best biggest grin. He was also druggy in the most innocent way, and he played the guitar amazingly. When he plays the guitar he gets so into it that his mouth slightly opens and focuses on one point like he won’t miss a thing. He also had beautiful big green/ grayish eyes that always matched with his khaki, gray dirty jackets and hats that he used to wear. Also he was up for anything and was always the kindest. He was very interesting as well, incredibly smart but tended to get into trouble as well. The boys all of them did the stupidest things but the smartest guys, they talked so much interesting things, philosophy books that they read, conspiracy, about nature, etc and of course just joked a lot with the dumbest things. 

Also they were not boarding students, so I used to go stay with them during the weekend, and another culture shock for me was how loving their family was. Some of them were raised by single moms and the way they encountered their moms was love. Complete opposite from what I am used to, my brother treated my mom like crap and we stopped talking since my brother got too scary for me. Most Japanese families don’t really communicate with each other and when they do it is very superficial, so when I experienced Thanksgiving, Christmas, and holidays with the buddies, I was amazed how fun and loving family gathering was. I loved having a warm loving family that they hug each other and can talk about stuff. I never knew hugs can be so powerful until then and it is one of the things I crave and miss the most when I am in Japan.

20. age 26 late summer -memory of high school-

Max, one of my old friends/ ex-boyfriend who I thought was the love of my life from high school messaged me out of nowhere. I have been in touch with our mutual friends so he probably heard that I was back in the states and he asked me if I was in NYC.

I haven’t seen him since he and his family came to visit me in Italy during college which has been 6 years.

He has haunted me for about 8 years, more like I was delusional that we would be together in the future. Before talking about him let me tell you about my amazing high school and how we started it.

I went to this school called Neverland School (it's not the real name, but it was neverland for me), it was a beautiful nature boarding school. 

Back then I was so burnt out from Japan, in middle school I was just ready to get out of that country. So I asked my parents and they were very supportive of me leaving Japan and so I was very lucky to go study abroad in the States. 

I loved that high school so much, it was in the middle of the woods in New England, and not the typical American high school you would imagine. No lockers, no cheerleaders, no jocks, no prom kings and queens, the first time seeing dreadlocks, instead a lot of cows(more than human!) and nature. Nobody cared who you were, how you looked, where you came from, it was free and liberating place.

I never wanted to leave, it was a magical place that I called it my neverland. It was the first time I felt like I was able to breathe and I can be me and it was ok to be. 

I spent my elementary school and junior high school in Oita Japan, a rural area in Japan, about 2 hours flight from Tokyo. 

It was traditional and I hated it, a lot of pressure for no reason, and I did my best to fit in, which I was really good at but really suffocated me. I won the tennis championship of the prefecture, I was the captain, I was the vice student council president, I had won the prefecture English speech contest, I got into an all scholarship high school where only 40 students can get into the program. I was the golden child for that moment. My brother caused so much trouble at home and school that my mom was always crying that I felt like I needed to be doing really good to make my mom smile. The one thing I wasn’t was being skinny, which always bothered my mom. The Japanese standards of being popular or even getting a chance to be in a relationship was being skinny and unfortunately it is still like this now. I lost about 12kg in 3 months in the last year of junior high school, and that was my first time I was complimented, even though my period had stopped. I’ve gotten congratulations comments before only for my tennis, but never that I was pretty or I looked good. When I lost my weight, it was like magic, I was complimented by my mom and all the other friends, the parents, even people who used to make fun of me. I got addicted to the compliments “wow, you are so skinny!” “you look pretty now”. My mom is the sweetest mom, I used to hold grudges on her with her comments, but back then it was a normal thing and I know she never meant to hurt me and she was doing her best.

And then, I burnt out, burnt out being the best version of what other people wanted me to be.

When I moved to the States, I felt free, I felt like I could breathe, it was the first time that I was me and didn’t have to please anyone, just me. I felt fearless and free, I didn’t care about anything. I gained 20kg in 6 months, especially because I had many threesums with Ben & Jerry, I fell in love with 2 people at the same time and always made me happy without a single failure. I didn’t even notice that I gained weight, nobody commented on nor did anybody care, and all my clothes were from my brother, super baggy so I didn’t even realize. I used to weigh myself everyday when I was in Japan, and at Neverland, did not care. Nobody cared! 

I was truly purely happy of my own existence being there. 

I can still feel the morning moist mist from all the grass that gave me a hug as I walked to get breakfast. I can smell the barn smell which used to discuss me but loved it at the end, the purple sunrise from the hill when I was working at the barn in the morning. It was a magical place. 

19. age 26 summer -sweatshop-

I was working hard at my sweatshop since I found out that the two French interns who were working there were getting paid $20 a day! Double the price! My boss had a thing for white people (she is Japanese). Especially the blondes, she admired them and the only time she wanted to take photos was with them and she only posted photos of her white friends and her white interns on social media. And now they were even getting paid DOUBLE than me, who actually worked harder! When it got busy I actually stayed late and worked during the weekend to make the deadline! 

I have created over 20 designs and prototypes that went to production, and I also actually sewed tons of sandals that were getting shipped to Japan. She couldn’t function without me anymore and the orders were getting bigger, so she started to hire people as part time which I managed. Again people who couldn’t make money in a legal way. Basically sewing by hand which took about 20 min, and per sandal was $1. So basically about $3 per hour and if you are fast and good. These sandals were getting sold around $60-$120, you do the math, the margin is pretty amazing. But these sandals were not getting sold at all in the States, only in Japan so the cost of the shipping, the office room and her semi-luxury lifestyle and “promotion” meant there was no profit left. The sandals were sold in luxury department stores in Japan, and it shocked me that they were getting sold there. Japanese people love the “made in NYC” and the success stories of Japanese in NYC. Good strategy.

I wanted to ask for a raise without being bitter about the French, and it was more than 6 months. Annnnnd I worked while I was in Japan waiting for the visa, designing and creating the samples and shipped them to her in New York, which I never got paid back. Yup call me desperate!

I started with another Japanese girl called Kurumi around the same time. And we became closer as we worked. She was doing accounting and doing more office management and I was doing the design and the production, most people didn’t last long (everybody says, this is bullshit and leave) so we became the key person in this tiny sweatshop. Kurumi was also getting paid $10 too, so we decided to go up to our boss together if it is possible for us to get the raise, since we were there longer than them and actually created a workflow that our boss didn’t have to be in the sweatshop. She can “promote” her brand now. My boss liked Kurumi a lot,  she had way more work experience, very professional, and always pleasant towards our boss.

Thank god to her that after a few days our boss agreed for our $20 a day payment! It was a 100% raise! Who gets 100% raise right!? lol

18. age 26 spring -bye bye over text-

The day after the gala, I went to work as usual, and I was sewing the sandals.

I kept thinking how magical it was in general, like a cinderella story! Hey, a girl who is working in a modern sweatshop and then going to a gala with a haute couture dress that was fitted exactly for me, sounds like a Cinderella story to me.

I texted Owen, since I did kind of feel bad afterwards, that I didn’t even consider his point of view. It didn’t cross my mind how he felt, while I danced for the whole night without him and then not going home with him after.

I texted him “Hey, I had a really good time last night. Thank you for inviting me, and I am sorry that I made you upset.” 

He texted me  back. “It’s ok babe, I’m glad you enjoyed it.”

Phewwwwww, that’s good, not as upset! So we chatted about the basics, how the day was going etc.

One point I asked him if he could send me the photos of us from last night, since he took some from his phone.

Then it got out of control.

He texted me “wow, you are so shallow, the reason why you were dating me is so that you get to go to the gala. No, I am not sending you those photos to show off your friends!” 

Whhhhhaaatttttt, that came out of nowhere!

I texted him back “what!? I date you because I like spending time with you! I didn’t even know what the gala was until YOU invited me!” 

He texted me back “Good luck with everything, I don’t want to see you anymore, goodbye!”

I was sewing these sandals between these texts and I just couldn’t understand. I didn’t share about the gala with my fellow $10 a day pals, so I just tried to keep it cool. But I just didn’t understand what caused all of this. 

I was sad at first but it quickly changed to anger, he thought I was materialistic and just dating him because he makes a lot of money, but it’s crazy since it wasn’t like that at all. I was just happy being with him in our simple routine (but it was getting boring), take outs, smoke, drink and sex. I asked him a few times if he wanted to go for a walk in Central Park or do a picnic, something low key but in all those cases he would say “ I have to work” so I stopped asking, so I just didn’t understand why he would say or think that I was after his money. If I were after his money I would definitely aim way higher! It made me confused, and just wanted to know where this all came from? I just concluded it to be “he is a big guy with a big dick, but that’s all he got.” 

I kind of made my peace after work by returning my fancy clutch. Got a full refund and that was a big relief and also the relief of ending with Owen. In the end, I guess I didn’t like him that much.

I went to Eve’s to see them. 

Had some wine and take outs and it was the perfect night.

17. age 26 spring -the gala-

The day of the gala, it was a week night so I called in sick to get ready!

Actually my work didn’t really have anything called sick day or paid leave, dahhh.

The gala was going to start at around 6:00 pm or so.

I had to go buy a seamless thong, since my dress is tight and it could show everything. Now thinking about it, I probably should've just not worn any underwear. I went to H&M and TJ max to see if there were any cheap ones, but I couldn’t find them so I had to buy an overpriced Hanky Panky thong.

I got to Eve’s and Posh helped me get ready.

He did my makeup and hair in a pointy bee hive, it was so cool. I looked like a fancy version of the Ursula(evil aunt of Ariel)  from The Little Mermaid.

The dress fit was perfect and I looked dangggg!

The Natural History Museum was literally a 3min walk, but I did not know how to walk in those heels and was too nervous so I took a cab.

Owen was waiting in the corner and he saw me and gave me a hug and said I looked nice. He was wearing a suit, and he told me he wanted to wear a bowtie but didn’t know how to tie it, so he said “since someone didn’t help me, I couldn’t wear my bowtie!” I told him earlier to check on YouTube. He seemed a bit annoyed that he wasn’t wearing a bow tie or maybe something else.

We walked in and there were tons of photographers and flashes, and I was like WOW, this is a thing! Obviously I avoided the camera, and we went to the main area for the dining which was  The Milstein Family Hall of Ocean Life, where the big whale is floating in a big hall.

Everybody was wearing gowns and tuxedos, and it was a very surreal feeling. There were tables with romantic candles and lights with the setting like the wedding tables. Our seats were right by the walrus.

The dinner was fine, I couldn’t really get to enjoy it as much since I was nervous and trying to behave my best. 

After dinner we went out to the employees entrance to smoke a cigarette. There were others smoking and there was Tina Fxxx! And I had to tell her that I am a big fan (not as much as big fan, but what else am I supposed to say at these moments?) . She was lovely and looked exactly from the screen. Even more beautiful and kind. 

All of a sudden this blond girl asked me “Is that xxx’s dress??” while puffing her cigarette.

Man she was good, it was exactly the fashion brand that I was wearing except it was the prototype.
I froze for a second, I didn’t tell Owen about the dress either. 

We never talked about anything important since I liked the lightness about us, but also I liked us, as me as “a girl who got invited to go to a gala and can pull off a gown.” Now I think about it, what a silly pride that I had back then, even though that wasn’t me at all! But it mattered that time, I wanted to be cool and yes I was embarrassed that I was working at a modern sweatshop.

This girl looked familiar, and I said “yes “ to the dress, and she was like “I knew it! He is my good friend!”, “oh shit!” my heart spoke, I hope she is not one of those people who knows every runway piece! Luckily the dress is pretty similar to all the other dresses of the brand and she said “man, he (the designer) is so good.” And walked away. So relieved. I realized that she was the main actor for one of the popular TV series back then. 

We went back inside, and it was so cool walking around the Natural History Museum at night when it’s empty in my dress and on a date!

After that we moved to the space area and then the dance party started it.

There was an Asian lady (around 60ish), dressed in a kimono-like outfit and she and her date started dancing together and they were sooo good! They had the best smiles just having fun, and made me want to dance so I asked Owen if he wanted to go dance but he told me he is not a dancer so I just went to dance around this couple by myself. 

I was so happy the music was great and the couples loved me that I had the biggest grin on me! I always love dancing,  especially by myself. The whole night Owen was drinking by the bar and talking to people and I was dancing, the drinks and the adrenaline kicked in that I was able to dance in my heels!

After the event was over, he asked me to go home with him. I was like “Not tonight, my apartment is right there and it is too late for me to go to yours and in the morning I have to go back uptown before work with my dress.” He lived downtown and my apartment was a 10 min walk, first I was going to Eve’s to change anyway. Eve didn’t get to see my finished look so she wanted to see it. I didn’t think it was a big thing, I told him I’ll come see him another day. It was already 11 or so and I was coming off from my high and I was getting tired and sleepy.

Apparently he got offended by it.

He said “Why do you have to ruin this special night?” 

I said “It was already a special night, why can’t we just have a good night sleep in our own bed?”

He sighed annoyed and said, “All you want to do is just go to a gala.”

I didn't understand his annoyance, I said “ It was super fun!”

He said “Never mind, I'd rather go home by myself than spend time with a selfish person like you.”

I got offended by it too now,  and the thing is I just didn’t understand why he was upset.

It bothered me that he thought I was selfish (now I own it!).

I said “ Ok, I’ll go home. Can I have a cigarette before I go?” 

With a slight smile pretending that it didn’t bother me and I wanted to annoy him a bit more.

He gave me the cigarette pissed off, and I walked towards Eve’s in my gown smoking my cigarette.

I got to Eve’s when she saw me, her reaction just made me feel so good! 

I was standing by her bedroom door while Eve and Posh were on the bed and I was telling them what had happened. 

They were like fuck him, but at the same time from his point of view it was a date, so he probably wanted to have the full course and probably the fact that I was dancing the whole time with other people maybe he felt left out. And when they said that, it made sense, for me it was an event that I got to experience, but I didn’t think of it as a date. 

Still he should’ve explained it to me better than just calling me selfish. 

The thing is for me, I was happy to see Eve and Posh after this event, my safe place. Funny thing is that, the most fun part for me was the dance without Owen and when I got to Eve’s and hung out there while I changed and had some munchieeeees.

16. age 26 spring -gala?-

Owen and I, we continued the regular thing. During the week, twice a week I will go over to his place to have take outs, drinks, smoke, sex and sleep over. But we didn’t hang out that much during the weekend since he visits his parents more often, and when he isn’t, we will hang out only at night since he will have to work during the day even during the weekend. It was fine with me, I liked the schedule and no surprises.

One night, when we were doing the regular thing, after smoking, he asked me if I wanted to go to a gala with him. I didn’t know the meaning of “gala” at that moment, I knew Met Gala, but I thought that was the whole name, not a word that existed on its own. I was high, so I assumed that it was some kind of party so I said sure!

The next day, I told Eve and Posh about the “gala” and they got excited! And they asked me where it was. It was at the Natural History Museum, and they even got more excited! Then they told me I had to wear a gown, and it’s serious business. 

They told me it’s like a ball, and that scared me and said “I don’t know how to waltz!” . They laughed so hard! I understood what it was after they explained it to me, but that freaked me out since I have nothing to wear and my $10 a day job definitely did not help! I still had a month to get ready, so they said they will help me to figure it out.

So Eve and Posh asked their friends around, thank god to the fashion industry! Posh’s friend who is a patternmaker at a fashion house told me that she has a prototype that is actually made in actual fabric, silk but no liner. I was like that works!! I picked it up, and she made me promise to not post photos of the gown nor to get the photos taken. She could get in big trouble since where she was working was famous. 

I got back to Eve’s and tried it on, it was a bit too big, but Posh said he can fix it with his magic hands! The dress was dark green silk duchess,open shoulder, fitted on the waist to the butt, flared in the bottom and had a train that laid flat on the ground, heavy like water lily leaves. It was a beautiful dress. This is crazy! It would’ve cost me a fortune to actually wear that dress! This dress company is well known for their gowns for the red carpet. I was so lucky not only that I got a dress, but Posh fixed it and the dress was literally tailored for me and made for me! It was a real haute couture.

I had heels so that was covered, but another issue was a bag… 

I needed a clutch. I just needed a simple nice fancy clutch that would go with my dress. I thought I don’t need a clutch, just keep my keys and phone in my hand but of course that wouldn’t cut it. So we brain stormed, Eve had beautiful bags, but it just didn’t go with the dress, but also her bags were pretty fucked up (lol). She is amazing at finding all these beautiful bags, but one thing she is terrible at is that she does not know how to keep it in at least ok condition (some bags look like they went through a quality control check for a car!). 

The last option, yes, buy it and return it.

I waited until the day before, hoping that I would find another solution, but didn’t so I went to one of those fancy department stores on 5th ave. I got a simple clutch that was 500$, sorry designer, sorry department store, here we go. I kept checking if the tag was still there and the receipt. 

My mind has to keep convincing myself that “everyone does it in the states!”. 

15. age 26 winter -back-

Landed with the view of a beautiful white snow carpet, the air looked crisp and clear. The cold air welcomed me and I loved it. My body and mind became free and excited that my particles were dancing.

 I was staying with Eve until I found an apartment and it was so good to be with them again. 

I went to see Owen the next day. It was an exciting moment, all the sexual emails that we have sent to each other was a great build up. Being with him was so exciting for me. After a few nights together, I really started to feel that we are in a relationship. 

Asking what we are to Owen was not in my card, I used to think it is so not cool of me to define it, but the reality was an excuse of being scared to be rejected. Having feelings for someone used to make me doubt myself, and had the pattern of hiding my feelings as long as I can be “cool”. 

We texted everyday, saying good mornings and good nights, like the typical couples. Before I came back to New York, he was telling me that we should have a getaway weekend, like going to a spa or even to Napa! I was really hoping that this was going to happen, getting away during the weekend with a guy that I like, I thought this meant something! My mind tends to get ahead of myself and I was even thinking of marriage. How awesome would that be, helloooooo green card! This crossed my mind too much, but I really liked him and I like the idea of having a relationship with him.

This trip that he was talking about, it never happened. He would leave the city during the weekend to go see his parents back in Boston. He kept saying he would take me to his parents one day, but he never did.

I’ve met his best friend and his wife. They were both lawyers and they were both from a very wealthy family. We met at a members only bar with a beautiful decor, and amazing beautiful art pieces everywhere. The conversation was too sophisticated for me and I felt so out of place that I ended up spending a lot of time in the hallway right by the bathroom staring at the art pieces like I would do at museums. His friends were both pleasant, but boring and too polite for me, just not my cup of tea. I don’t know how Owen has fun with them. Maybe Owen is not as fun either, maybe because we are always high that he seemed to be fun.

The most fun thing that I remembered with Owen is going to his apartment, getting high, getting yummy takeouts, watching shows and drinking yummy wine and whiskey. He took me to a place called Brandy Library where their main focus is on whiskey at a beautiful library decor. Once we did whiskey tasting. After that I was hooked! I loved whiskey back then. Oh right and the sex was fun too, but after a while, not as exciting. I realized that he was lazy. I was always on top, and it was the exact same sex every single time. 

Being a lawyer, he was constantly busy with pressure and stressed out, I just didn’t understand why he continued while nothing seemed to please him or do something about it. I was getting sick of hearing the same complaints, but still loved the time at his apartment.

I basically thought his apartment was my party house.

14. age 25 Fall -pierre-

I hooked up with Pierre and continued to hook up with him for about 2 months. 

He was fun, a great distraction from Owen. With Pierre, I went to a love hotel for the first time ever!  Love hotels are everywhere in Japan since a lot of people live with their family ( you don’t take your boyfriend home to meet your family unless you are ready to marry him), or they live far apart, so it is easier to meet in the middle, or a lot of shady business happen there as well. Most Japanese people have experienced love hotel so I was pretty excited about it, but now I thinking about it, I am very happy not going there lol! 

The sex was good, back then I thought it was great. I got addicted to him and started to really like him. There was a pattern for me that if I sleep with someone I get attached, and I couldn't seem to control it, even though I knew better.

I asked him if I could visit him at his house, and he raised his eyebrows and asked me why. I told him I was curious, and he said it is not that interesting and not worth the trip (we lived very far apart so it made sense that we met at a love hotel then). I told him once in a while I wouldn’t mind visiting his place even if it’s far, but he said no. I had no idea why not? 

Surprise surprise, he has a girlfriend and lives with her. Mannnn I was soooo naive! 

I didn’t act upset, one thing I was good at is playing it cool and that I’m fine with it, but I just stopped with him. I stopped texting him and I was normal at work, but obviously he wanted to continue seeing me. One night we ended up leaving together from work, he says  “I love you”. And that made me feel very confused. 

Who doesn’t love hearing “I love you” from someone you like. It was the first time since high school, a guy told me he loves me. I got really confused, but we kissed. I think I said “I love you too”, I kind of erased that memory so I say “I think”. I didn’t even know what that really meant, but I knew it was the right thing to say back in that moment. Naive me, since he said he loves me I thought he broke up with his girlfriend, and what he said was “in the process”. Since they were living together it is just hard to “break up”. I have no idea, since I haven’t lived with someone who I was involved with, so I believed him. 

We saw each other few times after that until he left to France for the holiday.

After a few weeks, I got an email that I was ready to have the interview at the American embassy for my visa, and after I pass it will be less than a month to get the visa. It was around Christmas so I thought I would get the news after the New Years, but I got approved before that. I was so excited! I immediately booked my flight, and told the phone shop that I was quitting. Funny how your mind works, I actually forgot to tell Pierre that I was leaving and instead I told the phone shop first. Excited to go back to the city I’m in love with and seeing my friends, and Owen. I knew I was in love with New York even though I didn’t understand being in love with a human, that city can let you down and bring you up, but the best part is, the city accepts me as the way I am and I do the same as well.

Pierre found out through the phone shop and he was upset. He was in France, and I left right before he came back so no official goodbye. I didn’t have the time to think about him. He texted me that he will always love me and can’t wait for me to get back, etc. I didn’t say anything but goodbye and good luck. My heart was switched off and I had no feelings for him, just excited to be back and my heart was already towards Owen. 

I never thought about it until now but I think Pierre was my true distraction. If I focused on him, all my worries about the visa, the fear of maybe I have to stay in Japan, Owen moving on, I focused on him to stay sane and got addicted to him to stay sane. 

I was off to New York, where my heart belonged.

13. age 25 Fall -phone shop-

I was still waiting for my visa and it has been a few months, nothing yet. I was enjoying working at the phone shop, I had a few funny customers from time to time. 

One was a middle aged wanna be bad boy, he would bring different girls from time to time to buy phones and phone plans for these girls. I couldn’t figure out what he was doing, but he always bought the newest iPhone for these girls and purchased it by cash. He liked me and he nicknamed me a comedian girl name which I was a bit offended by…, but my coworkers thought it was funny so they started to call me by that name too. Let’s say Fufu.

 In a way that they started calling me by nickname, it made me feel a bit more accepted by them then them calling me with my last name.

Another customer was a man working for an embassy. I won’t say which country since it might offend them, but they really didn’t pay their phone bills! I just didn’t understand, how does an embassy not pay their bills!? So this guy would come in to get a new phone for his bosses. He wanted to purchase the phone in installments but they can’t since they haven’t paid their bills. He came a few times thinking that the embassy had paid all the bills, and everytime, not! At least he and I started our own jokes and laughed about it. After a few attempts he stopped coming and he never got the new phone, wondering what happened to him. 

I was not close to most of the people at the phone shop, except this French guy. His name was Pierre. He was tall, had a little belly, blue eyes with plumped lips, and buzz cut hair. He spoke fluent Japanese and we always talked in Japanese. He spoke feminine Japanese, and his gestures were very Japanese high school girls, so we joked around like high school girls and he was super fun.

We went out for drinks after work a few times with the others. One night when I was leaving the izakaya before anyone was done, Pierre said he would come with me, and on the way to the train station, we went to a narrow alley to smoke a cigarette.

And he just hugged me and kissed me, I was pretty confused since I didn’t think he was straight. I had to say “I thought you like men”. He laughed and asked me if it was because of his speaking. I nodded and he started speaking in English and his voice and everything changed. I was still confused but he kissed me again and I kissed him back, he was a good kisser.

12. age 25 Fall -debut in erotica-

I was back in Japan, and filled with hope and excitement for going back to New York, but the visa process was taking some time. I was designing from Japan for the bling bling sandal brand, and working part time at a phone shop in Minato Ku, Tokyo. I liked working at the shop, it was a very international place, the staff were from China, France, Philippine, and Brazil. It was so easy going that I never thought this kind of work place existed in Japan. Phone shops are interesting, everybody needed a phone so naturally there were so many different kinds of people. From Yakuza’s to embassy people, from students to hung over clubbers. It was a fun clientele.

I emailed Owen, saying how lovely it was to meet him and trying to be polite, but the reality is that I liked him so I wanted to keep in touch with him for when I go back to New York. He didn’t email me back and I kept checking my email and thought he was not interested in me. He emailed me back after a few days and this put me in a game mode, so I didn’t respond to him immediately either. I emailed him back a few days afterwards. After few basic conversations, it started to get sexual. How naughty ideas he had and been thinking about it. I’ve never done any sexual writing so I had to ask Posh to help me! He was goooood, he gave me some tips (actually he basically wrote the whole email!) to send him. This was my first sexual email or writing that I have ever done. Owen kept asking when I would come back and all looking forward for the things he would want to do to me, got me very excited. 

Meanwhile I started reading the book called “Fifty Shades of Grey”.

Oh my god, that book! That was the fastest book that I’ve ever read in my life! lol

This fall was my rise in writing and reading about erotica and it was way more interesting and exciting than any porn that I’ve ever watched. I got a great hint from the book to write about my desire to Owen, and this book gave me more peace about sex.

Sex is much more complicated, could be funny, could be dirty, could be disgusting even but it could turn people on, it really is unknown blackhole that you could keep exploring forever. And it is not pretty looking like from the romantic movies which was my only few sources in sex. It gave me comfort that it is ok to feel what you feel and what you like and try. 

Thank you  E. L. Jame.

11. age 25 August -the next day-

I went back to Eve’s apartment and she was still up, she never sleeps actually, insomina. She asked me if I wanted to get cookies, since one of my favorite American foods is cookies. I was a bit stoned so I was definitely down for getting cookies. We walked to Insomnia Cookies which is 5 min walk from hers. I talked to her about the date and she was excited. Of course I got my gooey, soft delicious chocolate chunk cookie (it was a hard decision between, S’mores and Chocolate Peanut Butter Cup, but these ones are big and I thought I should make a smart decision by getting the basic and smaller since it was really late at night!). 

Don’t we love talking about dating and men (both good and bad)! It was so fun telling her the story since it has been a while since I felt like skipping because of a boy (a man but he made me feel like a girl that night with a sparkle on my face). 

Next day, I went shopping for souvenirs for my parents. My mom wanted vanilla coffee. It reminded her, when she first went to the States, and got to the hotel in Texas, it was filled with that vanilla coffee smell that did not exist in Japan back then. Her “America” is the smell of vanilla coffee. 

I was meeting my old school friend (more like an acquaintance) and her friends for a drink at a live music bar. I haven’t seen her since high school and she looked like a successful woman, filled with confidence. I was jealous of her that she seemed to get together while I just agreed to a $10 per day salary. She was an assistant for an editor at a publisher and sounded so fancy and cool. She also shared with me that she slept with the editor to get that job, she was a receptionist at that publisher before, and she told me that she seduced the editor so that she could get the assistant job. I was quite shocked, but she said it so proudly that I actually admired her for her boldness. 

I left the bar still shocked. It’s crazy and sounded so wrong, but then her passion of getting where she wants to get and doesn’t matter how she gets it, it was interesting. The fact that she didn’t seem to think it was wrong, made it seem to be ok and she shared with me after a long time not seeing her. Is this the norm for her or for others? As long as she is ok, but we will never know what actually happened, what actually how she felt and how it might have affected her. Interesting chat and nice to see her but again mixed confused feelings. I concluded it, New York City, crazy!

I went to see Owen at his place again. The receptionist, Toby, was at the desk again. He remembered me and gave me a warm smile and he told me “go ahead to the elevator on the left, Owen is waiting for you.” Maybe he didn’t remember me, he just has that smile that makes you think that he knows you. I googled the building and it seems to have about 1,000 units in that building! 1,000! I never even imagined that it is possible to have that many units and that many people living in the same building! And how does the receptionist remember them (maybe they don’t and are just relying on their cheating sheet and are really good at pretending that they know them)! 

I got to his room, and he offered me a glass of wine and we smoked.

We started to make out on the couch and naturally went to his bedroom. We had sex, and he is so big that it was easier for me to be on top. It was fine, more exciting that I got to be with him, but nothing mind blowing and I didn’t know how to have an orgasim from sex back then. Still it was nice, the one thing I missed was the human touch on my body, it is  soothing and something that I crave constantly. We snuggled for a bit, and that was my favorite part of that night. I think I do get attracted to bigger guys, since they can spoon me like a mama kangaroo and makes me feel loved and warm. 

I had to go home since my flight was in the morning and needed to get back to Eve’s. We exchanged email (Didn’t have whatsapp back then, and my number would change when I get back to Japan) and told him that I will let him know once I know when I’m coming back. 

I wasn’t sure if I would see him again.

10. age 25 August -perfect date-

He asked me gently “would you want to come back to my place to smoke?”.

I paused since I was about to say yes, but my mind had its own conversation happening. 

“That means you are going to sleep with him.” 

“I don’t want to sleep with him yet, aren't there 3 date rules?”

“He might kill you” 

“He might not kill you but what if he is actually a human trafficker?”

 “But he seemed so nice and there were no red flags.”

“You are really bad at dating and have terrible instincts about people, you not having a red flag is a red flag.”

“But it’s just for smoking”

“If something happens I can run”

This whole conversation was happening in my head and probably looked puzzled. He immediately said “I’m sorry, I wasn’t insinuating (That was the first time I heard that word and learned the word! ) for you to come over to do anything more than smoking. I just thought I have some good weed, whiskey and wine and we can’t really smoke outside (back then it was still illegal in NY) . If I made you uncomfortable, no worries! ” The fact that he was so respectful that all my negative thoughts of protecting myself just disappeared and yes I’ll go back to his place. 

I got to the bottom of the building, he lived in the Financial District, and this building was a famous architect monument and it was a skyscraper that was built not so long ago. The entrance was unnecessarily massive and had an unnecessarily high ceiling! It had a big reception desk, there were doormans and receptionists. The lovely receptionist was like “Hey Owen how's it going?” and they chatted casually and introduced himself to me as well, Toby. He was very handsome with the perfect smile and white teeth. The elevator didn’t have a button, you had to swipe which floor you wanted to go to when you entered the gate (so futuristic!) .

He lived on the 56th floor and this was not even the top! I didn’t know people could live that high up (What happens when you have an earthquake or a fire?). The hallway smelled fresh and was one of those five star hotel rooms (I guess this apartment is a five star apartment). We got to his apartment. It was the last one so it was a corner room, one bedroom, giant bathroom, beautiful kitchen, unnecessarily big couch for a single man, massive TV and a bar counter with tons of alcohol that I didn’t know. That point I knew lawyers make money but I didn’t really expect that something like this existed and people lived who were not celebrities. I didn’t really imagine where he lived since we just met and so a lot to process.

The windows were massive and super high with an amazing view. I looked down at the window and it was a bit too high for me. That fear kind of got to me so I froze for a second. While he was in his room I texted Posh and Eve where I was, just in case. 

He came out of his room in his sweatpants and tshirt, and asked me if I wanted to have wine or whisky so whatever he is having so I got whisky. I never really had that much whisky experience either, only Jack Daniels and coke from college. I never had it straight. I had a sip and I couldn’t tell if it was good or not, but definitely I could sip it, and I felt classy and he knows the fancy whiskey so I convinced myself that it was delicious. 

He packed the weed in his bowl and we smoked. Mannnnn it was soooo strong for me, no joke that he has a good one. One hit, intense cough and immediately I was stoned. He blasted some live music videos, Mumford and sons. That was also my first time to hear them, but their live version and the sound system that he had or me being stoned, made me feel like I was at an actual concert. I loved it so much that I danced. 

One of my favorite things to do when I’m stoned is to dance. My whole body feels like a warm that I can do any moves I want and just my muscle felt gooood! One song finished and all of a sudden my paranoia kicked in and I asked Owen whispering “We should turn it down, otherwise the police will come to tell us to be quiet” (I had a scary experience with American popos so sometimes I get paranoia when I’m stoned). He giggled since he thought it was funny that I was whispering in his apartment where the building is so well built that you can’t hear the neighbors' sound unless the window was open and the sound volume was like a club. And I started to giggle so much too that I had to grab on to him not to fall. 

He was sitting on his stool chair by the kitchen island and my hands were on his lap while I laughed standing. We naturally kissed and it was a good kiss. Just lips first and he had thin lips but was so soft. Then we started a passionate kiss and he picked me up and moved to the couch, that was sexy. He sat and I was on top of him and holding his face while we kissed. Obviously it was getting spicy spicy, I could feel him between my legs and I was so into it that I rocked my hips too. He started to kiss my neck and this felt good but then I kind of jumped off and said I should go. Mannnn that was a mood kill. He raised both of his hand says “ok” with a smile. I forgot to tell him that I was leaving the day after tomorrow, but I will be coming back maybe in a few months or 6 months. He was a bit confused (I should have told him in the beginning), but he asked me if we could see each other the next night and I said yes. 

He was going to walk me downstairs, but I was like no worries, I can walk myself out and I gave him a hug and got on my tiptoes and kissed him. “See you tomorrow” with a smile and I left. 

That was the perfect date. 

9. age 25 August - date-

I was so nervous and I got ready at Eve’s so Posh can do my makeup. I wore a long cotton and linen blend shirt dress which was Eve’s.

Eve is this goddess who is not only gorgeous and have a heart like goddess, but her style and the taste of beautiful things (I wanted to say fashion, but seriously she just has beautiful taste from a plate to headboards to flowers, basically everything) is exceptional and whenever I get to wear her dress, the answer is always 10 out of 10 heck yea! It was light blue and perfect length when I wore my blue horse leather platform booties with pin heels from Milan where I got it with Posh. It was casual but sexy. I had my hair in big bee hives. I looked good.

Went to this cute dark, cozy tiny wine bar and when I walked in he wasn’t there. But there was an upstairs. I got up and there was only one guy sitting on a bar chair. He looked a bit serious, but as soon as I asked him “Owen?” He got up and smiled. He was tall, and big, yesss. He had a round face and when he smiled his cheeks became plump like a baby, piercing blue eyes, and dirty blonde short jewfro. Oh this also my other thing is jewfro/ curly hair, I love them, I think this is also the thing that I couldn’t have so when someone has it, I just admire it and will have a crush on. He wore a light blue shirt that complimented his eyes and slacks. I’ve never been on a date with someone wearing a slacks, so I felt like an actual adult for the first time. 

I was quite nervous, but he seemed to be used to it, so he took the lead ordering me a nice pinot noir. I only know my wine from college in Italy and as much as I loved it, I didn’t have any knowledge of it, only Chianti and Montepulciano. My parents loved wine too, but they didn’t have much knowledge either, and they just love full bodies. Pinot Noir, this wine hit me! I loved it, it was light and flavorful but not too much that it didn’t make me feel like I AM DRINKING ALCOHOL. It was a perfect wine to drink and chat lightly. It was my first time felt like a date date ever. The atmosphere at the bar was low-key dark, cozy with a wooden interior charm. Not fancy or bling bling that it was overwhelming, it was perfect, not too quiet and not too loud. 

The conversation was smooth, but also I was behaving the best of myself. I guess online dating makes you do that since we know why we are there. I played it cool and being the “fun easy going” girl. I was actually going back to Japan in 2 days, so at this point I actually didn’t REALLY care what he thought about me (as in I did care but not as much). We had few glasses of wine.

What I learned about him is that he loves wine and whiskey, he is 35 years old so 10 years older than me (age was never a thing for me so no biggie for me)  from Boston, a partner at a law firm, but hates his job, had a lot of complaints about his work, loves to smoke weed, had a long discussion about oatmeal raisin cookies vs chocolate chip cookies and he is the voter for oatmeal raisin cookies which I’ve never met someone who prefers that to chocolate chip cookies (don't take it personally oatmeal raisin cookies, I do enjoy them) !

Whatlese… oh yes he loves wine so much that he travels often to Napa Valley to visit a winery ( my vacation preference is way far from that! I mean I would love that as part of the trip but not the whole trip!), and he loves live music, and the most exciting part that we both love the Old Crow Medicine Show! They are a young bluegrass band (in wikipedia it says string band), and one of my favorite songs was “wagon wheel”, it was one of my high school anthems that will forever be the soundtrack of my best memories of  high school. I thought we had a connection, the big part was weed and music. As we finished the last sips of the wine, it was about time to leave.

He asked me gently “would you want to come back to my place to smoke?”.

8. age 25 August -bling bling sandals-

I found a posting on a Japanese site for people living in New York City. There was a posting for working at a sandal brand, doing designing and production and says that they sponsor internship visas. I immediately sent them the resume and got a response back immediately. I went for an interview and it was a tiny office in midtown with tons of sandals and bling motifs. Had a cute atmosphere. The interviewer was the owner/ designer, Lisa.

She is a Japanese lady who moved to New York City and started her own business. Pretty bold move and I was impressed by her for that. She dressed like she wanted to stand out in the city ( I guess these days you will call them an influencer), but was not quite there yet. She saw my portfolio that does not help at all with what she is designing but she liked it! She also understood how hard it is to get a visa in the States, and was very sympathetic, so she wanted to help people like me. She says she liked me and says yes to sponsoring me and working there! That was easy, but there is a catch, I will only get paid $10 a day, basically a transportation fee, coffee and a donut and I have to pay and apply for the visa on my own. I didn’t care because in my heart I new that I am going to make it and be successful and rich in New York City! I had high fates. I was very good at just believing in my ability and my luck. It felt good that I got back that feeling, where I lost it in Japan. 

I was thrilled, I was going back to Japan and processed the visa as soon as possible. Last week before I went back to Japan, I wanted to experience the New York dating scene, so  I went on a speed dating which was with 50 people and definitely it was not for me, and I created a profile on Okcupid. Okcupid, eHarmony was a thing before tinder. There were more details in the profile. Posh helped me with the writing, he is my go to man for dating advice and I have to say there were so many times he would say “I told you so” when I did not hear him and went with my instinct! 

I matched with this guy who had his side face, which nowadays will be nono and swipe left, but I just started and read his profile. I can’t remember what he wrote but it sounded genuine and he sounded like my high school guy friends who I adore. Oh yes, he was tall, 6ft2. I had a thing with tall men… I’ll have a crush immediately. I clicked “like”. He messaged me with very polite writing. It was easy messaging and he asked me if I wanted to get a glass of wine in the west village. There were no games, just simple messages and I was in. My first ever date from someone I never met and who I knew only in the existence of this website, kind of crazy concept. I did think about what if he is a psychopath and try to kill me, all the what if scenarios. 

7. age 25 August -fashion house-

I continued doing my side hustle, but meanwhile there hasn’t been any flirtatious conversation, just casual chats and work.

I was dating a guy named Owen then. I met him the year before I moved to New York City. I came to New York City after I had a bad depression back in Japan from work. Eve and Posh both encouraged me to quit the job and visit them in New York City and maybe try to find a job there. Before I talk about Owen I have to tell you how I ended it up in New York City. I’ve been to New York City a few times but the year of my age 25, was different.

I was there for three months after I quit my job in Japan ( this is also another story for later!) and did some recovering in New York, and being in touch with my old self again. I was erased by the Japanese traditions, traditions are good but not to the extent that I had to erase who I am. I forgot how happiness and excitement felt like and it was the best feeling to regain it. I was able to  breathe deeply again, breathe in all the stinky smell and the polluted air of New York City, I felt alive again.

I fell in love with the city in an instant as everyone does. This happens to me everytime I visit New York City. I had to move here, dahhh. I had my old portfolio from college and I talked to a head hunter who introduced me to try out a short internship with a couture fashion house. 

I got accepted it to do an internship at this well known fashion house. Oh my god the luxury fabric and the atelier was just beautiful in Tribeca. I saw Katie Holxxx doing a fitting! I even got to help out at the New York fashion show that Naomi Camxxx was walking. I saw her in the back stage, but wow she oozed a badass bitch. I inhaled her energy hoping that I can come off like that someday. The whole internship was wonderful. 

The Chinese seamstresses were gods (there were like 20 of them), they were so amazing with their hands and my most exciting part was that (of course learning the new technique!) they brought their own lunch and had a feast in the kitchen everyday. They fed me too and it was soooo damn delicious. It was kind of an odd view, a beautiful atelier with tons of light with very fashionable people, but the kitchen will be covered with Chicken feets (that wasn’t my favorite),and messy delicious lunch with loud conversations that I had no idea what they were talking about!  

I met some incredible designers and pattern makers there as well, and I was just in awe. They were living my dream right in the heart of New York City. The designer room was a big open space with tons of art books, drawings everywhere, fabric samples flying around and fancy big mac (not the burger kind!) desktops on big spacious vintage wooden tables. I wanted to be sponsored there so badly. I told them that I don’t need to get paid that much and would do anything to work there. 

But it was a hard no, so I had to look for something else.

6. age 27 February -chocolate toast-

I started working immediately with the translation. I was keen to get it done as soon as possible to get paid. I talked to Bill often through google chat and it was easy to work with. Bill handles a lot of the projects and the communication, and Sarah handles more of the finance and presentations, apparently she is a wizard of graphs and power points. 

Bill invited me to come to his home, slash office since there were some things that it was easier to discuss over in person. Late afternoon on a Wednesday, I left early from my modern sweatshop work, since my boss was away in the Bahamas (while she only pays her 7 staff $10 a day in exchange for sponsoring the visa). 

When I arrived there were few teenagers in the kitchen. Bill introduced me to his daughter and her friends. His daughter was 14 years old, blond, blue eyes, thin and tall. I am 152cm, 5ft, very short and meaty. 

He invited me to his office room, it was simple, a simple desk, screen and a weird seating thing on his chair for his back. There was a big sofa bed, and he told me that this is where he works, but he gets a lot of guests so this is also a guest room when it needs to be. Apparently his daughter’s friend slept over last night and so the sofa still stayed as a bed. There were no other chairs so he told me I could sit on the sofa bed. 

We worked for a little bit and when we finished he asked me if I would like some snacks. I was like sure, and he came back with a toast with chocolate paste on top of it, score! I love nutella! I could never keep nutella at home since I would just eat the whole thing! I had a bite and it was awful, it was disgusting and my face cringed. I wanted to be polite, but it was that bad, my face followed my instinct. Bill laughed so loud, he thought it was funny and told me it was marmite. I’ve heard of it but never had it before, and understanding that it is an actual food, it made more sense, but thinking that it is nutella and eating marmite, was the worst disappointment for a chocolate lover. He kept laughing and told me that I don't have to finish it, so I gave it back and he got me a spoon and a jar of nutella, and I called that heaven. Worth the suffering for pleasure. 

I assumed he was a lot older than me, but the prank that he did on me,  the way he was laughing and grinning was so childish which kind of took me by surprise. I observed him for the first time. He is fit, tall, pretty good looking ( I bet he was handsome when he was young), he has beautiful eyes and his hair! He has nice curled fluffy hair! If he wore clothes that were actually his size and not too worn out, and not dad shoes, he could look dandy sexy older man. 

I had a good time and I left to see Posh on the upper west side right by the Natural History Museum. It was Eve’s apartment and she was living in this beautiful old apartment with a super high ceiling, with her stunning impeccable taste of interior. Usually fucked up messy though. Big living room with big windows, blue velvet couches with gold leaves and tons of exotic flowers. Posh is from Barbados and was in the middle of apartment hunting in New York City, so he was crashing at Eve’s meanwhile. My apartment was 5 min walk from hers which was a miracle. It felt like I was back in college in Florence when we lived close by and just stopped by her apartment without announcing and just buzzing the good old obnoxious sound of the old buzzer, which was similar to the one at upper west side apartment.

I went to see them, and Eve wasn't home yet from work but Posh was. And as soon as I sat down on the couch, I got a skype message from Bill saying “you are too attractive to go to some strangers house, you should be aware of that.” I was confused and surprised. Is he giving me advice, sounds a bit flirtatious but my head was like “noooo”! He is a father of full full on family! Of course I shared it with Posh and he agreed that he is flirting with me. I’m definitely too young for him so flirting with me is a bit odd. I googled him and found him on linkedin. He did a master's at Columbia, and it didn’t show which year but checking out his career, I assumed that he might be around 45ish. His oldest daughter is 14 so he had his first child when he was 31, make sense.